Hello and Happy Monday!
Don’t underestimate what you can get used to! I’m coming up on one month without coffee and almost three months without alcohol. I’ve done these experiments before, and every time I think about starting one, it feels too big - especially coffee 😀
I can’t not have my two cups each morning.
But then I do it. And the transition might suck, but a day or two later it’s fine.
It’s the change that’s hard; transitioning from one state (drinking coffee) to another (not drinking coffee). The steady state is fine. You can get accustomed to a lot.
This is true for a lot of things! Diet, exercise, health, relationships. Changing from one state to another is tough. Living in the new state is typically something you can get used to.
Interestingly - and maybe unfortunately - my body does feel better without alcohol or coffee. Better resting heart rate. Better heart rate variability. Boo!
I’m sure I’ll have alcohol and coffee at some point in the future; I’m not a monk. But I’ll do so with greater awareness of its impact.
How about you? Do you have any personal experiments going on? Anything you considered doing without for a bit to see how you react? Let me know at heykev@kevinnoble.xyz; I’d love to hear about it.
Kevin
PS - Cantera Negra is tequila and coffee together; very good! 🧑🍳💋
A Quote
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I’d say that a leader’s subject is himself and the world and “it requires every ounce of stamina he can summon to attempt to look on himself and the world as they are.”
— Jerry Colonna, "Reboot"
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Three Things
1 - 👨💼 Nvidia CEO on the Acquired Podcast - I learned a ton from this interview with Nvidia CEO, Jensen Huang. I loved the saying, “the mission is the boss,” where the mission drives their decision making. I loved their focus on execution and learning, knowing that those two are large strategic differentiators. And finally, I found his approach to org. design really unique; he has 40 direct reports!
2 - 👥 Fast Friends Protocol - If you want to develop closeness with someone, use questions from this list. This was developed in 1997 so you may have seen the full list, or been asked one of the questions, before; I know I’ve asked the dinner party question. File these away to use in meetings, with your partner, or anyone you want to increase connection with.
3 - 📙 Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done - Coming into “operating plan season” at work, I’ve been adding a few more books on execution into the mix. This was a good one linking strategic, operational, and people processes together. “No worthwhile strategy can be planned without taking into account the organization’s ability to execute it.”
Deeper Dive on the Drama Triangle
I was first introduced to the Drama Triangle in 2020 through the book, “Conflict Without Casualties” by Nate Regier and it blew my mind.
It gave me a map to understand my behavior, and that of others, during conflict. If you’re trying to create outcomes with other people, you’re going to have conflict, which inherently means drama.
The good news is, if you’ve got a map, you’ve got a way to navigate to where you want to go.
Today I’ll introduce you to the drama triangle model and some techniques to operate with presence.
Before jumping in, note that this is a deep topic. I’ve read many books on the subject and run live classes. There’s a lot of nuance and examples we won’t be able to get into in a newsletter. If you finish this with questions, send them my way at heykev@kevinnoble.xyz and I’ll see if I can help.
Defining the Drama Triangle
Creation of the drama triangle was introduced by Stephen Karpman in 1968. It outlines three roles that people commonly play in conflict; the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. I’ll define these and give examples in a moment.
When I say common, I mean it; Jim Dethmer, an author and expert on the topic, says that 90% of people spend 95% of their time in these drama triangle roles!
That’s true even for people like Jim who study this stuff. He still shifts into drama. I’ve been studying this for four years and I still shift into drama. We all have experience with drama roles.
The reason goes back to our ego. Our ego is constantly trying to protect us, so it’s very active in conflict and contributes to drama. It operates at a subconscious layer, which as we explored in metacognition, is why it’s important to shift into thinking, and thinking about thinking, so that we can retrain our reactions.
Today’s model will help with that! Let’s go learn about the roles themselves.
The Roles and Examples
The three roles are victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
Victim: The victim is at the effect of others. Powerless, oppressed, and helpless.
Rescuer: Seeks temporary solutions to problems. Saving others. The hero.
Persecutor: Seeks to blame, control, and criticize. The aggressor.
While we tend to bias toward one role or the other, we typically shift between them. They’re not static roles, but more like temporary states.
Victim Details
The victim usually sounds whiny. They’re at the effect of (meaning, their circumstance feels caused by) others. The “other” can be anyone or anything. Their boss, kids, spouse. The weather, the traffic, or this darn economy!
The victim doesn’t feel like they can change anything, so they don’t try. They sit around waiting for circumstances to change.
It sounds like:
“It’s not fair!”
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“There’s not enough time.”
“Why does this always happen to me?”
Have you heard yourself as a victim before?
Rescuer Details
The rescuer seeks temporary relief. They’re the ones giving someone a fish every day, instead of teaching someone how to fish.
You can rescue yourself. A rescuer, after a tough day at work, might escape into food, the internet, games, or exercising. Rather than solve the root problem, they seek temporary relief.
You can rescue others’ feelings, like when you tell someone that it’ll be okay. It suppresses emotions to get temporary relief.
You can also rescue large groups of others. It’s very common to see that attitude in philanthropy since the myth in this role is, “I’m okay, and you’d be okay if you just listen to me.”
This can happen a lot in leadership! The leader often knows the work area and can hold on to things instead of delegating them.
I’ve done this as a parent plenty of times! When my kids were little and late for school, I’d make the lunches, tie their shoes, and sometimes even carry them to the car because I’m faster. All rescue behavior.
It sounds like:
“I’ll do it.”
“Let’s all get along.”
“I’ll make it better.”
Have you heard yourself as a rescuer before?
Persecutor Details
The persecutor seeks blame. They are absolutely certain that their opinion is right. Their goal is to find fault - who caused the problem?
You can do this to yourself. You blame yourself for eating too much dessert. You blame yourself for not being prepared, or not working hard. You blame yourself for not going to the gym.
You can also blame others. A persecutor blames someone for causing the presentation to suck. A persecutor blames their boss for the problem. A persecutor blames their kids for not doing their chores.
You can also persecute entire groups of people, most often seen in politics. “Those people” over there are the problem.
Leaders can do this a lot, too. Maybe you’re blaming your employees for not working harder. Or you’re blaming another team for their work.
I’ve certainly used a lot of blame-ridden “they” statements in my lifetime!
It sounds like:
“Who did this?”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
“They’re not working hard enough.”
“Do it my way.”
Have you heard yourself as a persecutor before?
When I first heard about all these drama roles, I was like, “none of these sound great. Are these my only options?!”
Thankfully there’s a role outside of the triangle. I’ll share that next.
Being an Agent, and Operating with Presence
Sitting outside the drama triangle is recognizing the agency in yourself and others. It’s taking responsibility. It’s letting go of blame. It’s accepting what is. It is deeply curious, and not judgmental.
It’s a really empowering position to be in! You see more possibilities for yourself and others.
Just like the drama roles are states we can shift into, so is this state. Shifting is less about learning skills and techniques, and more about operating with awareness of how you’re acting at any moment.
If you recognize you’re operating in a drama role, you can work to shift into this state instead.
Let’s look at some of the ways of acting outside of drama.
Open, Resourceful, and Persistent
There are three ways that describe acting outside of drama; open, resourceful, and persistent.
In some ways they’re they flip side, or a balanced perspective, of the drama roles.
Instead of being a victim, you’re aware of and open to emotions. You’re self-aware and self-confident. You share your feelings and desires. You use “I” statements (instead of “you” statements).
Instead of being a rescuer, you’re resourceful, and focused on curiosity and problem solving. You ask open-ended questions from deep curiosity. You brainstorm and leverage other’s strengths.
Instead of a persecutor, you’re persistent, and focused on accountability. You’re dependable. You enforce boundaries in a healthy way. You hold yourself and others accountable without blame. You drive to outcomes.
Let’s look at a small personal example from my own life, and a technique to engage in conflict with presence.
Emotion, Intention, and Ask
When I was first learning about this topic several years ago, it was early COVID. I was working from home, and our kids were home from school. Every day our family would take a post-lunch walk around the neighborhood.
One of my three kids was in a silly mood and was so focused on being funny, they didn’t notice that they kept stepping off the side of the road into the street without looking!
My typical response was persecutor. I was several feet back with a dog in tow, so I’d yell. It would sound like, “Hey! Get back on the side of the road! What are you doing?!” Maybe even a “don’t you know better?” 😬
I didn’t do rescuer behavior, but that would look like running over and picking my kid up, and putting them back on the sidewalk (temporary relief).
Victim behavior would be light on action, and heavy on internal dialogue. “Why do they keep doing this?” “Don’t they know I’m tired?” “Why can’t I have one simple walk with out this behavior?” Sad trombone. 🎺
Alright, so that was my persecutor behavior, plus some rescuer and victim examples. What did I do after reading about all of this?
I used the emotion, intention, ask structure, which pairs with the open, resourceful, and persistent acts.
Emotion - What you’re feeling.
Intention - Your motivation, or what you’re trying to do.
Ask - What you need to happen to move forward.
When this jumping-in-the-street behavior happened again, I used the emotion, intention, and ask structure to say:
“It scares me when you jump into the road without looking.” (emotion)
“I want to make sure you don’t get hit by a car.” (intention)
“Can you look both ways before stepping into the street?” (ask)
My emotion was fear, so I was transparent in sharing it. My intention may not have been clear, so I was transparent in sharing it. My ask closes with something to move things forward. All of this is helpful to the other person; no one is a mind reader!
I’m not suggesting that saying this once to my kid solved the problem forever (or even that I acted this way every time).
I am saying it certainly felt like a healthier way to engage, honoring the humanity of both parties in the relationship.
If you’re in a conflict and want to shift out of drama, gather your thoughts and place them into the emotion, intention, and ask structure to share with the other person.
How am I creating the conditions I say I don’t like?
The last technique, and title of this newsletter, is my favorite question for awareness. It’s a power question - it gives you back the power to shift out of victimhood and into a state of action.
“How am I contributing to the situation I don’t like?”
Super easy to ask. Super hard to answer.
It’s difficult because you may not like the answer! You may not want to go through the effort to change whatever you discover.
Your first answers to this question will likely have drama. You’ll think of what everyone else needs to change first. If that happens, keep going. Seek deeper insight, and focus on yourself.
You’re searching for something in yourself. You can’t change others, so don’t put your energy there.
Is there a skill you need to learn? Do you need to think in a different way? Do you need to show up differently for the people around you? Is there something you don’t understand and need to ask?
An example for myself led to a change in how I managed up to my boss. I realized that a source of friction was information asymmetry between my manager and me. It was my job to close the gap, and I could close it through better communication.
It drove me to make changes to my own internal workflow. It drove changes to how I worked with my team to get the context I needed. I increased the frequency and quality of messages that I sent to my manager. I changed how I engaged with our 1:1 page.
I promise you, if you consistently ask yourself this question, seek deep insight, and put in the work, you’ll be unstoppable.
Bringing it All Together
There’s a framework describing roles in conflict called the drama triangle.
The roles we play are victim, rescuer, and persecutor. The victim is at the effect of others. The rescuer seeks temporary relief. The persecutor seeks blame.
We can shift out of drama and into presence. We can take responsibility and be curious. We can be open, resourceful, and persistent.
We can use the emotion, intention, ask framework to engage with others.
We can ask the power question: “How am I contributing to the situation I don’t like?”
Call To Action
Take this new understanding out for a spin this week!
The first step is recognizing conflict. Pay attention when you feel like there’s “drama.” From there, figure out what drama role you’re currently in.
Try out the emotion, intention, and ask structure with someone you’re in conflict with.
And if you’re really feeling saucy, ask yourself the power question. What responsibility do you have in the situation, and how can you change it?
As I mentioned in the beginning, if you have further questions on drama, feel free to write me at heykev@kevinnoble.xyz. The live sessions I’ve run on this have been the most fun I’ve had in a class. I’d love to hear your own examples of being in drama, and your experience with shifting out.
Kevin
